“My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love.”

– Stand in Your Love // Bethel Music & Josh Baldwin

 

I have written, read, revised, added, deleted, and rewritten these words over and over again for months now, so much so that I could probably recite from memory the many different versions of this post for you. The words may have changed in many ways since that first draft but the core theme still remains the same. Vulnerability. Fear. Stepping out in faith. Have you ever had a dream on your heart but were too afraid to pursue it? An idea that just sits in the back of your mind? You may not always think about it, with the busyness of life and all, but when you slow down to take a breath, there it is, lingering, begging of you to take action. The words you are reading today, this blog, is that for me.

For as long as I can remember, writing, in some form or capacity, has been a creative outlet for me. Growing up, I was the girl who had journals, journals, and more journals, and you better believe I never left home without one (you know just in case inspiration struck me on the ten minute ride to town). Not only that, but I was also the kid who loved going school supply shopping (can you say future teacher??) or getting pens and pencils for Christmas (my mom still puts them in my stocking). To this day, I still remember one of the first stories I wrote…”The Girl Who Lost Her Balloon” Long story short, there was a girl who lost her balloon, she was sad, she found her balloon, she was so happy, and she never lost it again. Oh yes, the plot was riveting. Back then, I had the upmost confidence in my writing and enthusiastically shared the story with my mom, who exclaimed it was a wonderful work of writing and told me how proud she was of me. I remember beaming from ear to ear, knowing in my six year old heart that I would make it big someday as a writer.

Unfortunately, my confidence waned over the years and I stopped sharing my writing as enthusiastically. A few years ago I created the first version of this site over at kirstenalisandra.weebly.com with the hopes I would have the courage to write and share my thoughts with others, but only brought myself to write once or twice. Before I left on my study abroad trip to Italy the following semester I shared the link to the blog on Facebook so everyone could follow along with my travels. I figured people would enjoy reading about my adventures in a foreign country and that it would be the encouragement I would need to keep writing. Unfortunately, I was only partly right. Family and friends loved reading about all I was seeing and getting to experience while I was away, but when I came home, I was back to “real life”. Uncertainty and fear struck me. I felt now that I was back living a “normal” life people wouldn’t care about what I had to say anymore, so I stopped writing. Fear. I let the fear of not being good enough get in the way.

Just over a year ago, I married the love of my life, Chad. Since being married to him and doing our best to intentionally pursue the Lord together, I have learned so much about God, my faith, the design for biblical marriage, and intentional living. Even though I am by no means an expert on any of it, and am continuing to learn and grow myself in all of these areas, I have felt God stirring in my heart, once again, a desire to write, teach, and share with others what I have learned thus far in my journey. Up until today I have shied away from this desire with excuses like, people won’t care, I’ll offend someone. I’ll be judged. I’m too young. I’m not good enough. etc. etc. etc. Why? Excuses. Insecurity. Fear … fear of putting myself out there, fear of being vulnerable, fear of what people may or may not say about me, and the judgements they’ll make about my life. Will people care about what I have to say? I hope some will, but it’s not guaranteed. Will people love everything I say? Probably not. Will they judge me? Maybe. Am I too young? Well, I am young (24), but in 1 Timothy 4:12, Paul writes to Timothy, “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” To some, yes, I may be too young, but there is always someone willing to learn from you no matter how old you may be. Am I good enough? Truthfully, No. No, I am not. No one is. We all need the grace and goodness of Jesus. That is the beautiful part of this. I am not good enough, yet through Jesus Christ, I am made holy. Even with my imperfections, He can still use me. Because of this, I want to run to Him and what He is calling me toward.

I just finished studying the book of James and chapter 1:22-25 says,

^22 “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. ²⁴ For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. ²⁵ But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.”

Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV)

In January I set several different goals of what I wanted to accomplish in 2019. Two of those goals were, “Pursue what sets my soul on fire.” and “Live boldly for the Lord.” I am deciding today to finally take action on those goals. I no longer want to just hear the Word, I want to live out the Word. I want to discover what the Word says on faith, marriage, motherhood, and living a life that actively pursues Jesus. I want to step out in faith to share all of what I discover with you, and live boldly for the Lord, in the hope that I can make a difference in your life and that as I share my journey here with you, it encourages you to take the first step in your own life, to pursue and deepen your own relationship with Jesus, and to live out the life He has called you to live. 

To end this post I want to say a prayer for you and I. Know that whether you are reading this prayer today, or years in the future, its words still hold true and are for you and wherever you are in your own journey.

“Heavenly Father, I come to you today, at this moment, to pray for the person reading this. I pray that they may know and feel Your love. I pray that you fill their heart with a deep love for you and a desire to know you more. This blog, and these words in particular, have filled the empty spaces in my heart and brain for so long now, I feel as though they are a part of me. Thank you for stirring this desire in me and for giving me the courage to finally share more openly about my love for you. I pray that my words here on this blog, and more importantly Your words in the bible, have an impact on the life of the person reading this. I pray that we may stand, not in fear, but in Your love. I pray that we never stop pursuing You and Your will for our lives. I pray that everything we say and do brings glory to You. All of these things I pray for in Your son, Jesus’s name, Amen.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this post. I hope as time goes on you continue to be encouraged and inspired by my words in this space. You’ll be hearing from me soon.

~Kirsten~